Dear John McCain,

Why hold back? The mood is right—the only thing Americans like better than a hero, is tearing one down. The only thing Americans like better than celebrity is manufactured infamy. He’s on top of his game: sinking three-pointers, striding around air force bases in hostile countries (too cool for body armor, looking quite fetching in sunglasses), and inspiring Europeans to wave the stars and stripes where for seven years they’ve been burning them. But the wings won’t melt by themselves. In fact, they don’t even seem to be made of wax. You’re going to have to shoot the SOB down. You know how to do that, don’t you?

No, I’m not talking about your Air Force service in Vietnam; I’m talking about your 2000 presidential campaign against a fresh-faced “compassionate conservative” named George W. Bush. (And his then-unknown sidekick, a gifted strategist named Karl Rove, who’d seemingly been bullied in middle school and taken to compensating by overeating and inventing sinister schemes for the undoing of his employer’s political rivals.) Didn’t you father an illegitimate black baby? I think I remember hearing that somewhere… Well, whatever, I’m getting sidetracked.  The point is that you’re running against a very unique candidate – never has there been a Democrat so difficult to slime publicly and so easy to slime covertly.  So turn ‘em loose; call Rush, Anne, Bill—I dunno—James Dobson? Is he on the list? Whatever; just ask W. what he does when he wants to convene the Justice League over a gay marriage amendment. There’s got to be some sort of secret signal.

The point is that you have to get everyone on board and up the ante a little. Here’s why: Obama is stagnant in the polls and failing to pull ahead despite your consistently pitiful performance and his surprising ability to hit nothing but net, even on issues outside of his extensive range of expertise (like Iraq) perpetually and with style. You’re making mistakes that would embarrass most fifth graders and closing in the polls.  Americans are telling pollsters that they just don’t know about this Muslim-y-sounding internationalist, but that you, the curmudgeony grey-haired white guy rambling through his old war stories to anyone who’ll listen, remind them of their good-natured (if ill-tempered) gran-pappy. You need to seize this moment.

Warmest regards,

Dave Godsall

P.S. Among the potential effects of this plan is a Barack Obama presidency. He’s stagnating in the polls because many Americans feel alienated by a strong campaign that looks, to the Fox viewer, like it’s being run for a coastal elite club to which they hold no membership. His numbers are weak because when these people see the coverage of Obama’s  worldwide #1 smash hit superstar week they’re predictably more inclined to read that chain email their crazy evangelical uncle sent them about how Obama’s going to start Koran instruction in public schools and appoint Louis Farrakhan Secretary of State. If you’re clumsy enough to expose too much of the slime and filth to the light of day you’ll show this Fox viewer something all Americans like: an underdog. Regardless of what Chris Matthews feels running up his leg, Obama is running against power more entrenched and more pervasive than the media’s.